Blood and Body Carving
by ttiiggeerr
Summary: Bella's bad habit is found out and Edward wants to change her habits. Her life is more complicated than he could ever believe. WARNING: cutting, self mutilation angst, drug dealing, and drug abuse. Supportive!Carlisle
1. Chapter 1

Bella's

He would never understand what draws me to him, why I have to fight to stay near him. So when he told me all he wanted from me was my blood, I pricked my finger. He looked at me curiously, and took the blood that I offered him. The more he drank from me, the weaker I got. I felt my body weaken and fall. The last image I saw was his beautifully angelic face. I was in heaven.

Edward's

How could she let me drink from her? I could hear her faint heart beat in her chest. I could save her, but I don't know if she'll accept being a monster. The agony of being unsure was killing me. The seconds passed slower than usual. Death was coming for her; quickly I pricked my own finger. I let a few drops hit Bella's nearly dried lips. I opened her mouth, slightly, and let the venom flow through her. I was in awe; this was not something I was expecting.


	2. Chapter 2

**hey,i don't own anything. this is still adopted. i'll tell ya when it's MINE**

**R&R please!**

**Chapter One: Warnings**

_Edward's POV_**  
**

"Are you sure?" I asked Jasper. We were in the parking lot of Forks High School.

"You don't have to do this," Alice chipped in. Jasper ignore us, I glanced at Alice who looked mildly depressed. She hated this; she hated knowing some of our 'eating habits'. Amazing she stuck with us for so long.

"Yeah Jazz you don't have to," Emmett surprised both me and Alice. Jasper finally looked up.

"And here I thought you'd be the one cheering me on," Jasper commented dryly.

"You know I usually support you, but she has friends," Jasper waited for him to continue, "They might want to investigate, why she's gone missing."

"They're drunk and high most of the time," Jasper reminded them.

"Fine go and be quick," I rushed him. And just like that he was gone. Emmett looked at Alice.

"Alice he'll be fine," Emmett tried to reassure her.

"I feel bad for Emily, she has no idea," she shook her. Emily would be forgotten quickly. That's how we decided on whom to kill, people who will not be remembered.

"It's not like she has much to live for," Emmett shrugged, "Beside Jasper been really thirsty, he's held on for this long. But another day and he would have drank _you_ dry."

"Jasper wouldn't do that," Alice said calmly.

"Jasper loves blood more than he loves you. It's messed up but it's what we do. It's our addiction; it's what keeps us going. Jasper carves it just like me and Edward," Emmett didn't sugarcoat it, "We can't just live off of animal blood."

"Could we possible discuss our bloodlust somewhere else?" I asked we got into my silver Volvo. The car ride was silent for the most part. We got home; we went in our separate directions. Jasper was probably drinking Emily's blood right now. I don't how long it would be before I would need human blood. Everyday that I was around people I wanted to devour everyone.

Especially Bella Swan, I don't know what was wrong with me. I wanted her, I just didn't know in which way. I wanted to feel her soft skin, kiss her perfect lips, and drink her sweet blood. I cringed, the thought of her death lifeless body.

I heard Jasper come home, two hours later. I heard noise coming from Jasper and Alice's room. It was nice to know that Jasper had someone, his mate.

The next day, Emily name was forgotten half-way through 2nd period. It was amusing to see how small a human attention span was. The day went on, no one spoke of Emily.

So if they can forget about her so could I. I wanted to approach Bella, so I did.

"Hello," I said randomly, after her last class. That caused her to drop all her books on the floor.

"Crap," I heard her mutter.

"Here let me help you," I helped her with her notebook. She didn't even look at me, she just thanks and ran away. I was temped to go after her, but what good would it do.

* * *

_Bella's POV_

He was unlike anything I've ever seen. I knew from the first moment I saw him I had to… No that was too much to ask for. I mean how would I approach him? How would he response? Edward Cullen would never be mine that much I was certain of. For a moment I let my imagination run away from me. Because if I was honest that's the only way I could have him. The only way I could be near him.

He was always with his family. Emmett, Jasper, and Jasper's girlfriend's Alice. There were rumors that once you got involved with the Cullen's, people tend to disappear. That should have scared me, but it just made me want him so much more. Yes, Edward was my addiction. I carved to know more about him; I carved to have him near me.

"Bella." unfortunately my thoughts were rudely interrupted by my best friend Angela Webb. I finally remembered we were at her house.

"Yeah?" I snapped out of my day dream mode.

"Still thinking about him?" she mocked. I glared at her unable to think of a snappy comeback.

"It's cute that you like Edward, but it's not like he'll ever pay attention to girls like us. Emmett and him want girls like Rosalie and Lauren." I rolled my eyes it's partly true.

"You want to know what I heard," I nodded pretending I cared, "I heard Jasper was trying to make a move on Emily." I frown Jasper was dating Alice, why he want Emily?

"Scarface Emily?" I asked stupidly. It was an unfortunate nickname, but that's how she was referred to as. A huge scar was planted directly on the left side of her face. She never told anyone how she got it. Or at least one bothered to ask her.

She looked at me impatiently, "No the other Emily, of course _that_ Emily."

"Jasper was probably being nice to her," I commented lightly. Angie shook her head.

"You know the Cullen's' are never nice without having reasons, and guess what else I saw?"

I tried to sound eager, but I couldn't. I found the Cullen's exciting and mysterious, while she found them disturbing. It got frustrating at times.

"What else?" she could tell I was slightly annoyed.

"He gave her a ride home."

I sighed, "Ride home? Her car was out of gas or something. It's not that big of a deal."

"It is a big deal, it's a huge deal. It's the Cullen's they don't exactly have the best record. It's like they're a magnet for danger. People disappear, vamoose. Bella I'd be careful if I was you. I don't want anything to happen to you."

That was her warning and maybe I should listen. The next day Emily disappearance shocked no one. It's not like she was popular she hung out with lowlifes. I wonder what Jasper said to her.

I tried to ignore the warning glances Angie was giving me. The whole day I ran scenarios of where Emily could be. Nothing made sense what could Jasper want from her? When my last class ended I was rather surprise when _he_ came up to me.

"Hello." the sweet velvet voice caused me to drop all my books. Was this some cruel dream? Edward Cullen was talking to me.

"Crap," I muttered and started to pick up my things off the floor.

"Here let me help you," I didn't dare look up I was praying it wasn't a dream.

"Thanks." I took the notebook from his hands, careful not to touch him. I got up swiftly and hurried away. Great I finally get Edward to utter two words to me and I ran away. The whole way home I ran the scene in my head I had my chance and I ruined it. I had to find a way to be near, it seem like I was risking my life to be with him.


	3. Chapter 3

**omg, thank you for being patient for all of a few minutes!**

**this is still the adopted part: not mine. yet.**

**R&R please!**

**Chapter 2: Pardon Me**

I found myself staring at her as the days passed. I hadn't approached her since the book-falling-incident, which that was exactly 13 days ago. I wanted too much from her. If I had been honest with myself I would admit that I wanted her blood more than her company. It was getting rather difficult to avoid her, especially since Forks was so small.

So there I sat watching while she ate. I didn't speak to Alice, Japer or Emmet. Jasper and Alice always seemed to be in there own world anyways. Emmet spoke to me and I pretended to listen. He figured out that was in no way listening to him

"Why don't you just talk to her," Emmet finally said feed up. Emmett was just annoyed with everything and everyone. Anything set him off. Alice had made a comment about Roselie once and he nearly ripped her head off. If Jasper hadn't been there, he might have done it.

"I prefer to see her alive," I commented dryly.

"It's just a nice friendly conversation," Emmet muttered, "You can't kill her just by thinking about it."

"If I get close to her, I lose control." This was not a conversation that we should be having in a lunchroom with so many people, they could be listening. Emmett might not care but I did.

"You don't give yourself nearly enough credit," Emmet remarked

"I tried already." He cocked his eyebrow and waited for me to continue, "I bumped into her in afterschool and she ran away."

"But you didn't lose control?" he asked rhetorically.

"What about next time? What then? She could…" I could bring myself to say the next part. Emmet shook his head.

"It's no use in talking to you." Emmet stood up and left.

"He has a point Edward," Alice said after he left. I didn't even know they were paying attention to our conversation.

"Plus this obsession is becoming really unhealthy," Jasper added.

"It's not an obsession, Jasper," Alice said lightly, "Edward's in love with Bella and he doesn't want to hurt her."

This felt a lot like therapy. I didn't want their advice, wait scratch that I didn't need their advice. Lucky for me the bell had rung; I stayed away from them, whatever was left of the day.

I had planned on approaching her, even if it was only for a few seconds. The funny thing was she approached me first.

"Hi," she was direct.

"Hello," I greeted back.

"I'm Bella." I nearly forgot we never had a proper introduction. I was so near her and all I wanted to do was drink her. Control, I had none. I have never wanted a human so much as I did right now.

"Edward," it was simple and also direct.

"Listen I wanted to say I was sorry about bumping into you the other day," she rambled. She was trying to find and excuse to talk to me. This could either be bad news or good news.

"That was two weeks ago," I pointed out. She turned bright read.

"I know, but it just seemed kind of rude," she continued.

"Its fine," I assured her. She looked like she wanted to say more and I wish she didn't. I was just about to lose it.

"Listen if you ever want to hang out or something," she looked at the floor. She looked so awkward and embarrassed.

"Sure." She looked up, to see if I was joking and smiled. I should have said 'no', but I was too close now.

"Do you have a pen or paper?" She asked me, "So you can call me, so we can hang out."

"I have a pretty good memory." She gave me her number.

"Well I guess," she didn't finish because her friend came over.

"Bella we have to go," her friend insisted. Bella looked horrified and obviously didn't want to go. Angela Webb hated me on spot; she was smart enough not to come near me.

"Angie," Bella scolded but Angela paid her no attention.

"I'll see you later Edward," she left and Angela dragged her away. Maybe I did have more self control. For once Emmet was right. Much of my afternoon and night was spent on Bella.

When morning came all I wanted to do was see Bella. I rushed to get to school and was pretty excited about going today. Emmett made no comment about my sudden change of heart.

I saw her in the parking lot talking to Jacob? Jacob was a lowlife like Emily was. What did her want with Bella? Thankfully Bella looked like she was planning on running away from him. As soon as she spotted me, she excused herself and walk towards me. My lifeless heart did a backward flip. I caught a glance at Jacob but he was long gone.

"Good morning Edward," she said warmly.

"Morning Bella," I greeted back. Control, I reminded myself. I had to make a fist to remind myself not to attack her in broad day night.

"Sorry about yesterday, Angie just really odd." She wanted to say more but didn't.

"You really have to stop apologizing for every little thing, when it's really not you're fault," I brushed it off. We stayed in silence. I could take her in to a quiet area and…

"I have to go. I'll talk to you later, Bella," I said quietly and I rushed out of there.

All of sudden I become very hungry. My whole body trembled, I need to feed. How stupid of me to forgot to eat. I spotted my target was underclassmen named was something-Tanya. There was no time to be careful. I licked my lips and got close to her. She was going into the girl's bathroom and I followed her in. I thanked my lucky stars that no one was in there.

When she got out, she looked at me curiously. As I got closer, she backed up into the wall and then tried to run. I caught her, and began to drink. Her blood was better than nothing, When I was done I glanced up and noticed Bella was looking straight at me, with a horrified expression.


	4. Chapter 4

**ok, last adopted chapter...next one's mine!**

**not this one.**

**R&R**

**Chapter 3: Drive**

Edward's POV (still)

I slowly place the young girl on the floor. Bella didn't move; her face was now glued on the lifeless body. I didn't try to get near Bella. I think she was trying to make sense of what was going on.

"You can't be," she said, but her eyes stayed on something-Tanya. She got closer and kneeled next to the body, while I backed away from them. I could hear Bella heart speed up, but she stayed quiet.

"Bella?" She finally glanced up at me. There was a certain amount of fear in her eyes, but there was something else. She also looked curious like she wanted to know more.

"This so sick," she muttered to herself. She stood up and started to pace, muttering something about dreaming, crazy, vampires, next time, there was probably more but I didn't catch too much.

She stopped and stared at me.

"All this time I was trying to see who you were," she began, "Trying to see the kind of person you really were."

She shut her eyes and started to cry. I had the sudden urgent to comfort her, but she would probably be disgusted.

"I'm sorry," she said. What did she have to be sorry for? I should be apologizing for make her witness my feeding. Just when I was about to correct her she spoke again.

"I'm just trying to digest it all in," she said more calmly. The tears were gone. There was a dead girl in the bathroom because of me and she was saying sorry for not being more understanding? I know I must have looked dumbstruck because she added, "I told you it was sick. I mean I finally get you and your family and I still want to know more."

"Bella, you have to stay away for your own safety," I tried to warn her.

"Aren't I already in danger for knowing what you are?" she pointed out. I let out a frustrating groan, good point. Jasper and Emmett might kill me if they found out about this.

"They won't find out," I said finally.

"Look Edward I won't tell anyone, about you," she assured me, "just please don't ask me to stay away."

This isn't something I should be even considering. Just flat out tell her 'no'.

"No, Bella, I can't." She looked relieved, and I continued, "But there are things about us that you can't and won't understand."

"Like what?" I shouldn't talking about it in the bathroom with a dead body in the middle of us.

"I'll tell you after I have properly disposed of the poor girl's body," I compromised. She seemed to remember about the girl and nodded.

"Can you make sure the coast is clear?" She walked outside. I was almost hoping that she went to class, but she came back and we walked carefully to me car.

"I have to go," I said offhandedly.

"I'm going with." Why did she have to be so darn stubborn?

"Fine," I wasn't about to argue. We go in the car and drove off. It was awhile before we reach our destination…

* * *

Bella's POV

Being in that car with Edward was so peaceful. All I keep thing was how happy I was at that moment. I was clearly losing it. I mean there was a dead girl's body in the car and all I could think about was Edward sitting next to me. I felt a groupie who jus met her idol, it was pretty pathetic.

"When did you get turned?" I asked.

"A long time ago, Jasper and Emmett were born at the same time as I. We're only separated by a mere matter of months," He explained. If there was ever a time to get any kind of info from him, now was a pretty good time.

"And Alice?"

"Alice is different from the rest of us," he said quietly, "She was turned far earlier than any of us. The thing that makes Alice 'special' is that she has a soul. Somehow it makes it difficult to eat sometimes with the conscious and all. She doesn't talk a lot about her past. She's Jasper mate."

"Kind of sounds like something from _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_," I commented and he smirked.

"Our life is a little bit more complicated than a television show," he commented dryly.

"So when were you turned?" I asked.

"Over a hundred years ago."

"And when was that?" I pushed further. I saw him chuckle.

"What's so funny?" But he didn't answer my question. His eyes stayed on the rode and pondered awhile before speaking again.

"You should be terrified," he said suddenly, "You don't react like you should, it almost not human. You amuse me; I don't mean that in a bad way."

"Hmm I supposed that's good news?" I was utterly confused by Edward, as I should be. He was forevermore a mystery to me. Even if I found out everything about him, he would always be just that. A mystery.

"It is."

"Who turned you?" His whole body turned rigid. His grip on the stirring wheel hardened and his pale knuckles were whiter than a piece of paper.

"Never ask me that question again, Bella. Do you understand?" I nodded. Memo-to-self: Never try to piss Edward off.

"Sorry," I offered.

He shook his head, "Don't apologize. I just don't talk about it ever."

I took the explanation, what else could I do? I wanted to comfort Edward but I was out of ideas and frankly I don't think it would help.

"Do you want me?" The words flew out of my mouth and I turned about 10 shades of red.

"Yes," he answered. There was no hesitation in his voice. Part of me was cheering and delighted that he wanted me. The other part was wondering in what ways.

"In what way?" I gulped.

"I haven't decided," he answered truthfully. I should be thankful he was being so honest with me.

"Are you scared, yet?"

"I'll let you know," I said calmly. I wanted to talk more and really understand him, but how much would be too much? I was already pressing my luck by being in the same care as me.

"Bella you could be with anyone else. Why are you choosing me?" I didn't know how to answer that. Why had I chosen Edward?

"You fascinate me, from the first moment all I wanted to do was..." Then I remember that this was not a dream. It was real and for the first time I was with Edward. I mean really with him. The car stopped.

My head turned to face him, that's when I realize he was only a few centimeters from my face.

"What did you want to do?" his voice was huskier.

"This…" I pressed my lips on his.


	5. Chapter 5

**so NOW this is MINE! i told you i'd tell you when it was. anyway, tell me how i'm doing.**

**you know how.**

**R&R**

**Chapter 4:**

**Confusions Turn to Unwilling Confessions**

Edward pov

I knew that putting my face this close to hers was a bad idea. I could hardly believe my luck when her lips pressed against mine. The monster inside of me was prepared to jump, but I forced him back. I lost myself in the pleasure of finally feeling her perfectly smooth lips against mine. I pulled back from her to say only one word.

"Bella..." I pressed my lips back to hers.

I felt her arm touch my neck, almost like she was going to put her arm around me, to hold me close. She pulled it back, and I was dissapointed that I didn't have more control. That she couldn't put her arm around me, without me killing her. I pulled away, breathless, and wanting more.

She blushed every shade of red in the book, and then some. Her eyes widened and her pupils were dialated.

"I'm sorry." She was breathless, just like me.

"Don't be. I enjoyed it." She looked unsure. "Didn't you?" Had I somehow misread her look? Did she not like it, and just not know how to tell me? Was she afraid of me?

"I _did _enjoy it, but...it's hard to comprehend that you would want me in any way other than the Cullen Way." I laughed, surprised that i sounded genuinly amused. And I was. It was a good way to put it.

"That's a good way to describe it." She smiled.

Suddenly, I wanted to make her laugh, to make her laugh so hard that the tears leaked from her eyes. One slight problem...I don't know how. She was just that much of a mystery to me. Forever a mystery.

Bella pov

He sat in the driver's seat thinking, hard by the way his brow was creased. I reached out to smooth it down.

His skin was cold, but softer than I expected. His hand gently took mine, and guided my arm in front of him. He tugged at my sleeve and had it up to my elbow in one fluid movement. I felt the panic flow through my viens, even though his eyes were still glued to mine. I tried to tug my arm back as I felt my eyes widening.

"What are you trying to hide from me?"

He looked down at my forearm. I looked at the window button on my door. He gasped.

"Bella...what did you _do?"_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5: I Try

"I don't mean to. It's….not what you think. Really." Her feeble attempts at denying what I could clearly see for myself were silenced by my glare. How could she do that to herself? I don't get it. I never did. But I never did ask why some people do it.

"Bella…please. Tell me. I won't judge, I promise."

"I…I cut. I can't help it. My life isn't normal. I can't get away from my past. Everywhere I look, I think that all the people around me know what happened, and yet I know that I'm being irrational. It's a stupid habit, and I know I should stop, but I can't. It's…it's like your habit. You can't help but have to drink blood…I'm the same way. Kind of. I don't have to drink it, but I do have to see it on myself. I have to see my blood running down my arm."

"But…I don't understand."

"When something happens…something that makes me think of my past…I get this feeling. It's like…bubbles. They're little bubbles that are filled with panic and despair and they start in my stomach and as they get higher and higher I get the urge. As more appear…the stronger the urge becomes.

"But I can't let them get any higher than about my neck. If I let them get that high, I cut with abandon. I forget caution then. At least if I do it while the stages are early, I can use caution. And that prevents me from bleeding to death."

I stared at her, trying to understand. And when she described it with the bubbles…I kind of got it. I could never fully understand, but I would damn well near try my best.

"Bella…I can't fully empathize, but I can sympathize. I'm trying to understand, but I can't. Not fully. But only because I've never gone through this. It'll be just as hard for me as it is for you. Can't you at least try to stop?"

"Well…the longer I'm with you, the longer the bubbles stay away. I guess I can try my best. It'll be my own personally private rehab!"

Her sudden excitement had me excited, and not because I'd be helping her get out of a bad habit. Because I'd be around her more, and have an excuse. Yes! Score!

"But won't your dad get suspicious that I'm spending so much time with you?"

"Well then, Mr. I Can Take Care of Everything and Solve Any Problem. How would you propose we fix that dilemma before it even starts?" Oh wow. I liked the sound of her being all sarcastically mad at me.

It gave me ideas…

"Well then. I guess I'll have to think on that tonight."

She looked a little disappointed that I didn't plan on fixing it now. But I had a plan, and that didn't involve being in a car. Hm….that gives me some more ideas…

"Edward?"

"What?"

"I said that I have homework, could you please unlock the door?"

"Sure." I hit the button, but kept a firm hold on her arm.

"Could you let go of me?"

"After."

"After what?"

"This." And I kissed her. I had to be careful, so it was only a chaste kiss, but it was still some contact. Any more than that and I was sure I would have drained her dry. I couldn't live with myself if I did that.

I let go of her, and she went into her house.

I drove home, a question for Carlisle when I get there.

"Edward, you're running a little late."

"Yeah, dad. I have a question."

"Shoot."

"How did you change us?"

"Uh…" he took a deep breath. "I had to fill two vials. Each one contained one pint of my venom, and one pint of your blood. I mixed them, and you had drink one vial willingly. I drank mine, and a few days later you woke up. Why?"

"I want to change Bella. But only if she agrees to it."

"Good for you. You deserve someone after all this time." I nodded, even though I didn't agree. I would ask her later. I'll ask her tomorrow. On Saturday.


	7. Chapter 7

**All right, ya'll I'm sorry it's been forever. Two years I think. Or aroud that time. I just couldn't inspire myself due to personal problems. So, here I am again! I'm hoping to be posting more often than not with all of my incomplete stories, so just stick with me here!**

**HintHint: Reviews help me immensly!**

I walked into the house, not letting my excitement show on my face; not even letting myself realize what had just happened to me until after I had made dinner and eaten with Charlie. He was always a slow eater, so when I finished rather quickly he dismissed it. It also helped that he was used to me eating small amounts of food while I actually cooked, and therefore usually didn't eat nearly as much as him.

I didn't bother thinking about how I didn't eat as much as I usually did that day.

As soon as I was done with my food, I placed my dishes in the sink and started the water, only to turn it off again when Charlie said that he'd do them tonight. He said I babied him too much.

And so, with that being taken care of, I bade him a goodnight and ran upstairs to take a quick shower and climbed into bed. When I had stared at the ceiling for what had to be at least half an hour, I decoded I couldn't hold it in. Bubbles of a different sort were trying to find their way out, and I jumped up out of bed, needing movement.

I then proceeded to jump up and down and giggle like a schoolgirl.

I knew that Charlie could probably hear me-and for that I wasn't too grateful. But knowing him, he'd provably assume that I had gone to bed early and had made the noises in my sleep. I wouldn't have been the first time.

Thinking back to what he had said, it had sounded like he planned on being around me the next day-never mind the fact that it would be Saturday. I jumped into bed and forced myself to calm down. As soon as the fleeting memory of him kissing me passed through my mind, I fell asleep.

The next day I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on the door. Assuming it was the mailman or a delivery, I trudged downstairs to the door, eyes still closed and pajama shorts and t-shirt still on. I opened the door and leaned against the frame, half opening my eyes.

"What?"

"My my, you look dashing." I stood up and my eyes flew open to reveal Edward staring at me with a cocked eyebrow.

"Shit. Come in, I'll be down in a moment." He followed me in and when I reached my bedroom door, he let it be known that he had followed me up. "Um..."

"Keep the t-shirt on. Please?"

"No. If Charlie catches so much as a glimpse of my arms, I'm fucked. I can't chance it." He nodded after a moment, seeming to take that as a good enough excuse. In truth, that was only half the reason. The other half was that long sleeves made me feel safe and warm. And some of them, the tighter ones with the longer-than-necessary sleeves, felt more like a constant hug from a lover than a shirt. With that thought in mind, I grabbed my tightest black shirt. It was my favorite-it was always tight against my skin, alway leaving a silent comfort, and the sleeves went all the way past the first knuckles on my fingers. I donned a pair of sweatpants several sizes too big for me, and opened my door-almost running into Edward at the same time.

"Sorry. Let's go downstairs." I walked calmly to the kitchen where I poured a little cereal into a bowl and ate a light breakfast. He sat quietly until the silence became too much for him.

"So about yesterday..." I nodded. "What do you know about us? Vampires, I mean. Except the obvious."

"Well...Nothing really."

"We drink blood. We have pretty good strength and hearing. And although we an be in the sun, we prefer not to be. It's annoying to our sensitive eyesight. What else...I think that's the basics. So with that being said-"

"Look I don't really care what you are. Just don't suck me dry." I could tell in that moment that he was trying very, very hard not to.


	8. Chapter 8

Nonetheless, he did manage to chuckle.

"So much trust in someone you hardly know." It came out more like a question than a statement, and I treated it as such.

"Well, there's something about you...I don't know what. Call it a sixth sense if you will. Years of being on the streets around people that I knew were bad honed my skills at telling if a person is genuine and worth my time or not. Charlie never knew I was out with the drug dealers for someone who knew about adictions and depression. It tends to make you learn how to judge if people mean you harm, and you don't mean me any. If you harm me, it won't be intentional." I shrugged after that statement and finished off my cereal while he contemplated what I had said.

"So, what did you want to do today? I mean, I did show up quite uninvited." I shrugged.

"I had nothing planned. All my homework is done and I don't have any chores considering I get them all done during the week. It keeps me busy so I don't cut. If I have to cut at all during the school year, I try to make it when we have a few days off. The cuts have more time to heal then, and I don't have to worry about wincing if I rub them wrong or if my books chaff them. So my weekends are usually free. What did you have in mind?"

"How'd you know I had a plan?"

"The look on your face and your posture." I shrugged again. "It's something else you learn on the streets. Reading postures and faces. I'm pretty good at it by this point. I have to be, if I don't want to be shot." He tensed.

"Look, you're not that durable. You shouldn't be in that kind of danger." I bristled. I had heard that an angry me was not to be messed with and that I could be pretty damn scary. Now it was time to see just how scary I could be.

"Listen here you inconsiderate fool. I'm no child. I've been hanging around the people that Charlie calls the 'wrong sort' for more years than I care to count! I have really fucking good connections because of it. If I want to disappear, then I can because I know the people who can pull some strings and use some favors. I know the dangers, I knew when I started meeting with these people. Have I been shot at? Yeah, a hell of a lot. Have I ever been hit? No. And if Charlie can't seem to keep me out of trouble, I don't expect you to either!

"I've helped a lot of people get off of drugs! I said that I can tell about people. Well, I only hang with the ones that are depressed and just want a way out. I only hang with the ones that are roped into it by their parents or other friends or relatives. I _help_ those people! The only people to shoot at me are the ones who decide to enter territory that isn't their own. I'm not _helpless_." I spat the last word out and could tell he was about to protest. Wordlessly, I strolled away and pulled all the curtains in the kitchen and pulled out my pistol.

Remaining wordless, I pulled out the jacket and showed him it was filled with ready-to-fire bullets. All live rounds. I then put it back into my holster I had fashioned for my calf and strolled outside. He followed me out into the woods and on a dime, I turned around, pulling the gun from it's place and shooting a bird out of midair that had been flying right next to his head. I quickly turned to my right and shot two squirrels in quick succession and blasted a falling leaf on my left. I put the gun back and looked at him. The entire shooting lasted for less than ten seconds.

"Still think I'm helpless and, to use your word choice, 'not that durable'?" I walked right past him and back into the house. I didn't worry about people hearing the shots-people in Forks were always hunting. He followed me and we sat down in the living room, me on the chair and him on the floor next to my legs.

"No, I don't. I've never met anyone quite like you Bella." I shrugged. "You shrug a lot." I purposefully shrugged this time, just to be difficult. "So, is there anything you'd like to do today?"

"Not really." He thought for another minute.

"Are you adverse to going to a club I know of?"

"What kind of club?" He hesitated.

"It's a club for goths, emos, and scene kids. I like it because everyone's nice and no one gives a shit who you are or what you look like. But if you don't want to..." He sounded a little...wary. Like he was afraid that he would offend me. It was the kind of tone that people used when they didn't want to offend me because they were afraid that I would hurt them.

"Sure. Lemme go get something else on first." He followed me up and we talked while I changed. He faced the hallway wall and I was on the other side of the door, but it was ajar so we didn't have to shout to hear each other. He asked a few questions about previous friendships, although that was short-lived. I never really had any friends. I was a loner, and I had liked it that way.

"So what about relationships?" I snorted.

"I never had a relationship with _anyone_ that meant anything. Not even Charlie. The closest I ever got to anyone was a one-night stand that ended up being repeated five or six times. He needed a good lay, and I needed a distraction." Knowing that he was going to ask why I participated in one-nighters in the first place, I saved him the breath. "I would sometimes cut too much to be safe or unnoticable. Meaningless sex kept my mind off of the bubbles, and sometimes even made them go away for good for a day or two if I was lucky." I walked out of my room and headed straight for the staires.

He quickly caught up and eyed my bag suspiciously. "So I can change before we get back. Charlie would kill me if he saw me like this." I turned and let his eyes take in my appearance.

I placed all of my facial piercings in (of which included: my bridge, snakebites, angelbites, right eyebrow, left nostril, septum, and tongue-although that one I usually left in since Charlie was unobservant and I usually didn't open my mouth too much when I talked.) along with all of my ear piercings. I had put temporary hair color in my hair, and spiked it out as best as I could get it. They weren't liberty spikes, or sticking straight out, but they were close enough. It was messy enough that it said 'hey I was stickstraight out, but I was recently screwed into a wall'. I had covered my face in enough makeup to make Miss Monroe from the first Playboy to be proud.

I had put on a leather, skin-tight vest and left most of it unzipped, leaving my many intertwined tattoos for perusal. Second-skin black pants covered my legs, the bottoms covered by my stilletoed combat boots. Chains endorned the entire ensamble, and a chocker wrapped itself around my neck while a bullet belt and several others wrapped loosly around my hips, drawing the eyes downwards.

He visibly shivered as I stalked out the door to the car and got in.

**Hey ya'll again! I know, so much sooner than the last update *sheepish smile***

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	9. Chapter 9

I walked to his car, purposfully saving my stalking gait for the club and waited for him to join me. Eventually he did, and I smiled up at him, subtly curving the edges of my dark maroon lips at him. He swallowed and started the car.

As he drove, I watched the scenery fly by and happened to look up when a siren went off.

"Oh, shit that's my dad. I'm not with you, okay? Not like this, tell him I'm at your house visiting with your sister or something!" I practically flew behind the backseat and crawled into the storage unit I found, practically burying myself and the bag. Just in time, too, for as soon as the door shut, I heard the window open.

"Cullen, is it? You happen to know where my daughter is?" I could almost hear the desperation in his voice, since I never left on a Saturday. I stayed home if I didn't go anywhere on a Friday, especially during school and Charlie knew that.

"Sir, she's with my sister. From what I caught, apparently they were going shopping in Oregon somewhere and won't be back until late. My mother was planning on having her stay the night, she must have forgotten to tell you." If I hadn't known that was a lie, I would have believed it myself.

"Well...All right. Tell her not to forget leaving me a note next time."

"I will, Sir. Have a nice day." I heard the car restart and take off again, and only after it stopped and turned off did I let myself relax again. The door opened and I saw Edward's face. "How you can even fit in there is beyond me, let alone with that bag."

"Street smarts. Always be able to squeeze into tight spots with more than just yourself." He helped me up, and I felt sparks when our hands touched. I ignored it.

I stood up and looked around the parking lot with skepticism. It wasn't dirty but it wasn't exactly clean either.

"Come on." He led me to a back door and showed the bouncer his I.D. I was surprised that he was let in without a problem, especially since he didn't have a fake one, but his real one.

Nonetheless, I followed him inside, and was immediately greeted by a dim hallway and the thumping of distant music. A tall, lanky guy asked Edward if he wanted anything to drink and he said he wanted two of his usual.

"What's your usual?"

"Budwiser, why?"

"Oh, hell no." I turned to the other. "I'll take a screwdriver and a Bloody Mary to start." I could feel Edward staring at me with wide eyes. "What? I can handle it, trust me." He shook it off and walked to a door at the end of the hall where we were greeted by a song so loud it pounded your insides and multicolored lights flashed across the dance floor.

They sat at a table and a waitress came over in a vest and a pair of leather shorts so short that I wasn't sure they could be considered shorts anymore. She handed us our drinks and Edward took a sip from his beer. I eyed him and took the screwdriver in two gulps. The bloody mary went next and I locked eyes with him as I drank it. He quickly followed suit and got most of his beer down before I smiled slyly and bent over the table before crooking my index finger at him and sauntered off, stalking towards the gyrating bodies. I looked behind me and noticed him slowly get up and follow me after drinking something from a vial he had in his pocket. My mind told me it was blood, but I didn't care.

I wound my way into the center, dancing the whole way, rubbing against random people and winking at others. I was clearly in one of my many elements.

When Edward caught up with me, I swayed my hips and let the music take me away like it had so many other times before in my life. His eyes darkened and he started dancing with me, just close enough for others to know who I was with, but not close enough for us to really be touching. Our hands touched, along with a few other little things, but not much more than that.

It was enough for me.

By the time we left, I was ready to collapse. It had been a long time since I needed to wear my heels and my feet _hurt_. He walked out with me and I watched his feet carefully. To the average person, he was walking normally, but I saw the slight waiver in rhythem.

"Okay, big stuff. Gimme the keys." He tried to protest. "No, you're not fit to drive. Now, keys." He handed them over and I got in the driver's seat. He gave me directions to his house, since I wasn't supposed to be home until the next day. I went with him to his bedroom at his insistance, and he promptly collapsed on the bed he had. I undressed and put on a t-shirt and a pair of his boxers, too tired to put anything else on, before collapsing next to him.

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**This is where I whore myself out and beg you guys to review on the latest installment of this story! I hope you take into consideration that I tend to write faster and better when I have kind-hearted reviewers who click the little button at the bottom of the page.**

**Thanks guys!**


	10. Chapter 10

When I woke up my eyes met darkness and my nerves felt an empty bed. Brow furrowed in confusion, I sat up quickly. Apparently he didn't care enough to stay in here with me even though he was the host and this was his room. I got up and stealthily made my way to the glass wall. I saw a balcony and stepped out on it, planning to walk home. Not hearing anything, I jumped onto a nearby tree and nimbly climbed down to the ground.

Knowing that no one was following me, I made my way to my house. I ran there, knowing that I had enough stamina to get there and walked to the kitchen window. I let myself in and found a note from my father on the table.

'Bella-

I had to go to a major interrogation and I won't be back until tomorrow night. I hope you're not mad at me.

-Charlie'

I threw the note away and looked at the clock. Well, it had been an hour and no one had come after me, so maybe Edward didn't care. Maybe it was just to find out what Bella the Outcast was all about. The thought made the bubbles start to form, faster than I ever had felt. Depression came at me from all sides and I ran to my room.

I sat on the floor in the corner, trying to debate rationally why I shouldn't cut. I couldn't do it. The depression around me was pressing in closer and closer and I couldn't take it anymore. I gave in and grabbed my razor.

After three lines, I was all right. Sort of. The depression lingered at no one wanting me, and I knew that it would only get worse if I did another line across my arm. So instead of another cut, I grabbed my incese.

Odd place to hide weed, in the bottom of an incense holder, but it was convinient and did the job. You can smoke your pot and then start up and incense to get rid of the smell right away. Easy. And besides, who would ever suspect that instead of more incense under it, there was pot? If my father couldn't guess that, then no one else could.

I took out my trusted paper stash and rolled myself a joint before lighting it. The added substance to my system made my blood run down my arm faster than usual. I'm not sure why it did, but it always did that. Probably because the weed I had access to was usually more of an upper than a downer.

I inhaled again.

And again.

On the fourth drag, I heard a slight bump against the wall and I looked at the window. It was one of two possibilities. It was either a dealer wanting me to run or drop, or it was Edward.

It was the latter.

He pulled himself inside and looked at me before noticing my arm. I watched as he held his breath and walked over quickly. His fast movement took me by surprise and I passed out.

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**Okay, sorry for the wait guys! I hope that this was somewhat satisfactory to you and that you liked it.**

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	11. Chapter 11

When I came to, I could hear the gentle humming of someone nearby. The fact that someone was with me freaked me out and I felt a bubble or two start to form-until I remembered that Edward had found me. My lack of remaining conscious disappointed me, but I refrained from berating myself for the time being. I knew that sometime later I would regret the wait, but I knew that if I wanted answers, it would have to wait. I wanted answers first, and I'd be damned if I didn't.

I opened my eyes and saw that I was no longer in my room, or even my house. I was in Edward's house, his room to be exact. He hadn't noticed I was awake even though he was facing my direction. His nose was in another book, one that looked suspiciously like a medical text. I sat up.

He looked up immediately and put the text down on the chair after he stood. Slowly this time, he made his way towards me and I could see the worry in his eyes. He was concerned that I'd pass out again, that much I could tell. What he didn't know, however, was that I was much too focused on my questions and much too determined to obtain answers to even subconsciously consider passing out.

"Exactly what were you thinking? First you left and then you cut yourself and then immediately do drugs? Do you have a death wish? The drop alone from the balcony to the ground is thirty feet Bella, you should have a broken ankle at least. I'm amazed that you aren't hurt any more than you already are." I interjected venom into my voice, just as dangerous as the venom that resided on his teeth, but in a much different way.

"When I woke up, you weren't here. No note, no sign that you had even stayed after I went to sleep. I didn't feel welcome. I felt like shit, actually. I figured that you wanted an insight to the freak Bella's life. That you wanted me to tell you why I do everything and that was it. That you didn't even care, like I was some sort of science experiment or something. So I jumped onto the tree just there and climbed down.

"I may not be the smartest, but I know when going far enough is going too far. Thirty feet is too far past far enough. So I took the slightly less risky way down.

"And when I got home, I found a note from Charlie. Him and his damn job-he couldn't care less about me. He's a cop and he has no idea that the people he's busting and putting into jail are the people that I run deals with and the people that I've known for years. He has no clue because HE DOESN'T CARE! So don't tell me that you really care, because I know you don't. No one cares about the freak Bella, not really. No one would care if I died from an overdose and no one certainly cares that I take a blade to my arms on a frequent basis. No one gives two shits about me.

"That combined with your absence sent me over the edge, because it only proved that not even you could care about a lost and corrupted soul." I ended my rant with very little breath left, and just sat there awaiting the awesome response that everyone sooner or later gave. The 'fuck off' response, the one with so much pity and disgust it made me want to puke response. But he didn't give it.

Instead, he just looked like I had hit him in the balls with a two ton brick. His face held an expression of shock, and I couldn't understand why. His hands were by his side, and I could see an ancient sadness from within his eyes and the silence emanating from him.

"Look at your arm if you don't think I care." His voice was soft and hurt, but still gentle. It took me off guard and I watched him walk from the room. He paused in the doorway. "I was in the other half of the state, helping a friend of mine get some paperwork done. It took longer than expected, and I ran back as fast as I could as soon as I saw the time. I'm sorry you woke up before I got back." He said all of this in the same small voice riddled with guilt and I instantly squashed the beginnings of guilt.

It wasn't until he was in the hallway that I looked at my arm.

He had bandaged it, taken the time to apply a cream or two and to put individual bandages underneath of a few layers of gauze. My eyes widened at this-it meant that he really did care. There was no pain emanating from it, meaning that he had taken the time to make sure the pressure wasn't too much or too little. I was amazed that he cared enough to even put a few band-aides on, let alone actually do it right. Trailing a finger lightly over the white gauze, I looked up at the spot he had disappeared from, mouth hanging open, questions running through my mind.

I got up quietly and walked downstairs expecting to find everyone there. It was only him in the kitchen, standing silently at the counter, his lower back resting against the ledge. He was slightly curled in upon himself, his hands propped next to his lower back, completely exposed. I had never felt like more of an ass in my life as I did in this moment.

He looked up when I stopped his eyes and posture clearly wary of what I had to say next.

"I'm sorry." It was the first time I had ever spoken those words and truly meant it.

It was also the first time I had ever felt a tear slid down my face in shame.

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**Yay! So I updated finally! Please please please please PLEASE send me a review telling me if I still got it or if I lost my writting ability over the past few months. I hope I haven't.**

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	12. Chapter 12

Edward looked up at me, I could feel his eyes on my head. More shame and embarassment welled up inside of me, making bubbles start to form. I resisted the urge to scratch my arm, knowing that he would know what I was trying to do immediately. I hugged myself as I watched a tear hit the floor.

In an instant, I felt him by my side, concern radiating from him. His voice was soft when he spoke to me.

"Why are you upset?"

I couldn't bear to look up at him, so instead I shrugged.

"You're wonderful Bella, I don't know why you keep doing this to yourself. I understand that you need to let the shit out of your life, but you don't need to do it this way. Lots of people find other ways to let go and to get the poisons out of their bodies."

I shook my head slowly, knowing that I would have to say something.

"It's not like that for me though. I have to sometimes. I tried quitting a few times, but it never seemed to work. I always have to start up again. And then, when I don't, I feel like I'll fall apart in front of everyone and I can't do that. I can't let people know..." I stopped, knowing that my arguments were useless. He was still going to try to make me stop no matter what I did.

"You can't let people know what? That you're human? That you have emotions too? That you feel the hurt of their insults just like they feel hurt? That you have feelings and opinions even if they don't think so? Is that what you can't let people know? Because if it is, I don't agree with that. People should know how you feel-that you can feel. They should. Because you matter Bella."

I looked up, finally, and saw his eyes. What I saw there I could identify as concern and hope for me. But I couldn't feel the same emotions towards myself-or anyone for that matter.

"You shouldn't care about me. I don't know why you do. I don't know why you keep coming to help me." I held up my arm. "This isn't what was supposed to happen. People aren't supposed to help me, they aren't supposed to care if I live or die. They aren't supposed to care if I cut myself or that I smoke weed or that I don't follow the rules like every other good girl out there. They aren't supposed to notice me. Why do you go against all of that?"

I hadn't meant to say all of what I did, but I did. I heard my voice saying what I thought I could never speak out loud-and yet, here I was. Spilling every thought that ran through my mind as it came as if I had known Edward since we were babies. I couldn't believe what I had just done.

"Because to me, you are special. You are one of a kind, and you are in need of help. You mean a lot to me, what that means yet, I don't even know. But you do mean something to me, or I would have been just like everyone else. I wouldn't care if you were just a nobody like you seem to think. You're wonderful and beautiful and you have good intentions, albeit a little burried." I gave him an incredulous look. "Okay, a lot buried. But I'm here to help, I don't want you to hurt yourself. As odd as it is for me to go against my nature, I am. And because of that, I implore you to at least try for me."

I felt bad that I had offended him. At least, it looked like I had. I wasn't too sure with him. He seemed to slip underneath of my usual grounds for what people usually do and don't do when they feel a certain way. He was acting like I had slightly offended him, but because I was often wrong when it came to Edward, I just assumed I wasn't totally right.

Reluctantly, I agreed to at least try to let him help me. I did want someone to be with, so I wasn't lonely anymore; but then again, I didn't. I didn't want to hurt him any more than necessary if I ended up dying. I knew that my jobs were dangerous, that I would more than likely be killed in a run or a pick-up. But I didn't want to be lonely.

Oh the sadness and pain of being a human creature. Sometimes I wished, like now, that humans weren't social by nature.

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**Okay guys, not quite as long as usual, but nearly there. I really hope that you guys are still liking my writing and that you would share your opinions in the little box below for me. **

**Now, after that depressing yet slightly hopeful chappy, I hope you have a wonderful day!**


	13. Chapter 13

A month had gone by, one very slow month. And in that month, my cutting progress had eventually gotten better. Slowly, but surely, I was getting better. I wasn't sure how to deal with the withdrawl symptoms, as Edward called it. I wasn't sure what he meant by that-I wasn't getting the jitters or anything like what I had previously seen with all of the drug deals around me as I had grown up.

He seemed pleased with himself, that he was helping me improve like this. I was merely fustrated with myself because, no matter how many times I admitted otherwise, I wanted to cut all the time. _All the time_, not just once a day or once every few days. It was five or six times a day. It was litterally trying to kill me. And I didn't know how to handle it.

He didn't seem to notice how I was suffering, but I hid it well. I made sure I smiled at all the right moments and I laughed after the punch lines at dinner. It was hurting me to keep the truth from him and to lie to him so effectively. But it would hurt me more to tell him that I really couldn't handle not getting a form of release.

So I just kept it from him and settled for the lesser of the hurts.

* * *

After two months, I was beginning to get desperate. I had already relapsed a few times, and I was more ashamed afterwards when Edward told me that it was never a true 'rehab' as he called it, until you relapsed. Whatever that meant. But he wasn't mad at me. I was furious with myself, and for him to just take it so calmly disconcerted me. I was prepared for yelling and screaming, for the thorwing of objects. And yet that didn't come. What did was a gentle bandaging and a nap. I didn't even sleep.

I just cried.

* * *

Three more months had gone by and I was getting a little better. I could tell that the urge was mostly gone some of the time. I wasn't craving a blade like I was before.

Edward was even letting me cut up vegetables and fruits now. He trusted me that much, at least.

I cried a lot these days.

It seemed to me that the less I cut, the more that I cried at night. And now I was even crying during the day. School was the worst. People made fun of me all the time and I wasn't sure what I could handle anymore. My self esteem was hanging in the balance and I knew that my life could be at stake.

I wasn't sure I wanted to live anymore.

* * *

Another three months had passed and I knew that my life wasn't at stake-unless you considered the living dead to be a threat to life. Then my life would be at stake. But I consider it to be an honor. Edward trusted me enough to survive and I trusted him to not kill me. So he told me that he would change me if I so chose.

I didn't.

I didn't want to spend lifetimes watching the world slowly come to an end and to watch society slowly crumble into a thousand little pieces before my very eyes. It wasn't something I wanted to witness because I had seen so much of it in my lifetime already. I was afraid of watching it for this lifetime, let alone another and another and another and another...

It wasn't exactly my cup of tea.

So I declined his offer. He seemed a little upset over it, and I felt bad but I knew that I couldn't deal with watching all of that pass by and not being able to escape it all.

So far as I could tell, he respected my choice to remain human. Although, exactly what he thought of me after that I guess I'll never know. He left a few days later and his family wouldn't say anything as to where he went or why. I think it's because they didn't even know themselves. But they took me in his place as a permanent resident there to continue to help me and to protect me if the need be.

I protested when that came up. They said that drug lords and cartels would be more likely to carry me away in a body bag if I were to go back to them. I knew the exact oposite, so we compromised a bit. They would follow me and stay a fair amount of distance away so if they were needed they could intervene if they wanted and I could continue doing the one thing that kept my senses just as sharp as I wanted them-if not more.

We continued like this for the next several years, until I was almost twenty-eight. At that point, I respectfully retired and stayed within the Cullens' property. I had no desire to see the outside world anymore.

When I was almost thirty-five, and the Cullens were out hunting, I was sitting outside reading a novel. I'm not sure who it was by, but all of the blood and gore kept my mind from wandering down paths I didn't want it to wander. Of course, I couldn't say the same for the vampires in the world.

I heard a stick crack and I looked up into the blood red eyes of someone I didn't recognize. The last thought I ever had was that irony sucked.

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**Hey guys!**

**So I've had several of my dedicated readers, and a few new ones, ask me via PM if there was any way they could be updated on my work and my interactions on FanFiction other than my profile and author notes. Several of them because they don't read the author's notes and others because they like to have a face and a voice to a name. **

**But personally, I think it's a great idea simply because it lets you get to see a little bit of my personal life and also it allows you to get more frequent and more accurate and updated information. As well as I can explain things, such as where I've been and whatnot-you know, the things that I put in authors notes that I know not very many people read (I'm guilty of that occasionally as well).**

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